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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.